Breaking Down

.And sometimes I want to cry, cry at the unfairness of it all. Cry at the fact that no matter how hard I try, nothing will go back to how it was. Sometimes all this becomes too much to bear. So much that I can almost feel the emotional hurt become physical pain. So much that I can feel it in my bones. And the worst part is, that it is no ones fault, at least a part of it. Death. Yes, you can’t look at someone and blame them for the death of someone you loved. It just happened. And now I am here. Crying. Had there been someone whom I could have blamed, maybe things had been different. I wouldn’t be here crying, holding on to whatever that is left. It’s like a ball of snow, rolling down a snow-covered mountain. It gets bigger and bigger and it gains momentum. And there’s no way you can stop it. If you get in it’s way, it will crush you like every other thing. The snow ball is growing. It is becoming bigger day by day. It is gaining speed. And there is absolutely nothing I can do but stand aside and watch, as it runs over my life. There are times when I look at them. People who were supposed to be there for me. People who were supposed to be the ones I turns to in times of need. Today I look at them and all I can see are strangers. Strangers disguised as people knew. Strangers who don’t care about anyone, but themselves. Stranger who want the best for themselves. Strangers who are so engrossed in the fight they started years ago, that they forgot that as they fight, I am standing next to them. Watching them as they use me as a weapon. I don’t know for how long I’ll be able to bear all this. Every word breaks me down a bit more. There are times I am not even near them, I am at a lunch or in my class and a wave of emotions run over me. Within second, it is all in front of me. The words, the actions. Everything. And tears well up. Sometimes I am able to hold back the tear. But sometimes I fail. And just like that it is gone too. After a minute or two, it’s gone. And then I can’t feel anything. Neither sadness nor joy. Nothing. And trust me, it feels so good. Not to feel anything. Just sit there. And watch. And ironically, in that moment I feel I this continues. If I don’t feel anything at all maybe I’ll survive.