The Letter

To the child who lost his father,

Hi there. How are you holding up these days? I know it is hard and you are doing great. I am proud of you.

I know how irritating the lines above are and you are thinking what does this person know about what I am going through or how hard this is. But I do. I know exactly how hard it is, because I have been through it. I am going through it. I know how most of the times you feel so alone or how you feel that the future ahead is dark and hopeless. I know how you are trying to pull away from your friends because you think they don’t have a clue about how hard your life has suddenly become. I know how sometimes all you want to do is cry. I won't tell you not to. It is how you grieve.  I know how unfair all of it is.

I wish I had a solution to your problem. I wish I could tell you ‘go do this and the pain will go away’. I wish there was some cure because I know it hurts too bad. But there isn’t one. I have looked hard and not found any.

I will not tell you not to cry, because that is pure rubbish. How can anyone expect a child who lost his father not to cry. Cry. Cry your heart out. It will not take away the pain but it will lessen it. Get up everyday and think of nothing but the fact that you survived another night. Do not give up yet. I know that you feel that this is the end but it isn’t. There are many great thing which you still have to experience. Wait for them. And even though your father won’t be physically there with you, he’ll be there in your heart and your memories, where he’ll live forever.

And do not give up on your friends. Trust me they will be the people who give you strength. Even if they don’t understand what you are going through they will be there for you through everything. They will be the anchor. They will stop you from getting lost in the sea of sadness.

And in the end, don’t ever think that you are alone. You have me. We are here for you. All those who have lost a loved one, all those who have been through the pain. We are here for you. You are in our prayers. You will survive.

With love,

Someone who really understands.

New Year

So what happens now? New year. How do things change? How can anyone expect one whole year to be good? I, for one, know that it won’t be. Come to  think of it, I can even mention some thing that will go wrong this year. So what is all the excitement about? I will make some friends and lose some like I did last year. So what will make this year different?

It is the hope that better things are coming. The hope that even tough there is suffering ahead but, maybe there is a greater happiness. Each one of us, some consciously other unconsciously, said a small prayer in their heart as they stepped into the new year. And everybody asked, or rather hoped for the same thing.  Here’s my prayer

‘I know that I have had some bitter thing happen last year. And I am not naïve enough to believe that the next year wont have bitter experiences. But I have faith in myself  that I will grow spiritually and emotionally this year, so that the things that bother me today won’t trouble me by the end of the coming year’

Take life one day at a time. One good deed a day.  Don’t make a resolution. Instead set a realistic goal. Work hard to accomplish it. And start on the first day. If on 1^st Jan you couldn’t do what you promised yourself, you wont ever be able to.

Live life fully. You never know which day is your last. Forget money for a while and be different. Learn to help people. Let go of the fears that are holding you back and explore something new. Let today be the day you change, not this year. Then only will this year be a good one. Good things won’t come to you, you’ll have to work to get to them.

Breaking Down

.And sometimes I want to cry, cry at the unfairness of it all. Cry at the fact that no matter how hard I try, nothing will go back to how it was. Sometimes all this becomes too much to bear. So much that I can almost feel the emotional hurt become physical pain. So much that I can feel it in my bones. And the worst part is, that it is no ones fault, at least a part of it. Death. Yes, you can’t look at someone and blame them for the death of someone you loved. It just happened. And now I am here. Crying. Had there been someone whom I could have blamed, maybe things had been different. I wouldn’t be here crying, holding on to whatever that is left. It’s like a ball of snow, rolling down a snow-covered mountain. It gets bigger and bigger and it gains momentum. And there’s no way you can stop it. If you get in it’s way, it will crush you like every other thing. The snow ball is growing. It is becoming bigger day by day. It is gaining speed. And there is absolutely nothing I can do but stand aside and watch, as it runs over my life. There are times when I look at them. People who were supposed to be there for me. People who were supposed to be the ones I turns to in times of need. Today I look at them and all I can see are strangers. Strangers disguised as people knew. Strangers who don’t care about anyone, but themselves. Stranger who want the best for themselves. Strangers who are so engrossed in the fight they started years ago, that they forgot that as they fight, I am standing next to them. Watching them as they use me as a weapon. I don’t know for how long I’ll be able to bear all this. Every word breaks me down a bit more. There are times I am not even near them, I am at a lunch or in my class and a wave of emotions run over me. Within second, it is all in front of me. The words, the actions. Everything. And tears well up. Sometimes I am able to hold back the tear. But sometimes I fail. And just like that it is gone too. After a minute or two, it’s gone. And then I can’t feel anything. Neither sadness nor joy. Nothing. And trust me, it feels so good. Not to feel anything. Just sit there. And watch. And ironically, in that moment I feel I this continues. If I don’t feel anything at all maybe I’ll survive.

I Have Learned

I have learned that life isn’t easy for any of us. Every single person I meet is struggling. I have learned that if I can’t help lessen someone’s pain, I will try my best not to let anyone increase it too. I have learned that once in a while, I will lose everything. Even the will to carry on living. And only if I don’t give up then, will I be able to honour the gift of life. I have learned that it’s okay to be angry, but it’s never okay to be cruel.  I have learned that, it’s okay to be sad. But it is never okay to let sadness take control of my life. I have learned that even if I am suffering at the moment, even if I don’t know why I have to go through all this, there will be a day when all this will end. After all nothing lasts forever, not even our lives.

I have learned that death is hard, for the one who left us, and even harder for those left behind. I have learned that losing someone is like losing a body part. Even after we are treated, there will be a wound. I have learned that in the end, every wound will heal but there will always be a scar to remind us of it all. I have learned that eventually I will be able to live with the scar. I have learned that there will be a time in everyone’s life, when they’ll lose everything. From friends to family. And it’s then that we’ll have to close our eyes and keep moving, because in the end those who love us will always come back, and those who don’t, will not. I have learned that after someone saves my life, I owe it to them. No matter what.

I have learned that every single person who makes me cry is going to pay for it, i don’t have to worry about it. I don’t have to punish them. I don’t have the right to do that. I have learned that no matter how sad I am, I should always keep it in mind that it is no ones duty to cheer me up or to take care of me. And those who cheer me up, do it out of their love for me not out of any obligation. I have learned that everything will be okay in the end.

I have learned that I have a long life ahead, and I have a lot more to learn.

The Candle Speaks

'Don't be sad when people remember you only when they need you, you are like a candle in their darkness'

But how true is this statement? How are we as humans supposed to totally ignore the fact that no matter how much love we give, at the end of the day we are going to be alone? How are we supposed to not cry till we have no tears left and howl till our throat hurts, when this seems to be the only way to survive?

We as humans are wired in a way that when we give love we expect it back. That's what makes us human, the want to be loved or rather the need to be loved. When we love someone, when we do something for them, the least we want is to be noticed. For that person to acknowledge the fact that yes we did something for them. Now don't get me wrong here, but in the end when it comes to love we are all selfish. When we give love we expect it back. As we need air and water to survive, we also need love. And we want, we need to be loved by every single person who matters in our life, friends family everyone. Even if one of them doesn't love you back you feel hurt, it pains you to think that you did so much for them but in the end you don't matter to them, not even a bit. So imagine how much it would hurt when it is not one person, instead it is almost every significant person in your life.

And trust me, when this happens you don't think of these quotes and you definitely don't think of candles and darkness. You are devastated. Because those whom you thought the world of, forgot you. 

I Was Saved.

There are times in your life when you feel, like you are going to drown. When everything seems so hard, that you start fearing your own self. You are scared that no matter how hard you try, this thing, which you are going through right now, will eat you up. And at times like this, you start hating yourself. For no apparent reason. You just hate everyone and everything, including yourself.

And it is then that you need someone. Someone who will help you. Someone who will save you. I too was saved. By a friend. A friend who is more than a sister now. It began three years ago. I was fighting. I was struggling. I knew that if I didn’t share, what I was going through, with someone, it will eat me up. It was eating me up. Slowly, but constantly. Then I told her everything. From the start till the end. But what surprised me the most was that she didn’t run away, she stayed. She was there to help me through it. She is there. She gave me advice when I needed it. She listened to me blabber on about anything and everything.

Today we are like sisters. We share everything with each other. And in her words ‘grief connected us’. And we are more than ‘best friends forever’ we are ‘sisters for life’. Even today I have days when I want to give up. When all I am going through becomes too much to handle. But now I know that there is someone who wouldn’t want me to give up. Someone who believed in me. Someone who didn’t give up on me. And giving up now will be letting her down.

 I believe, everyone deserves to be saved. Because no one deserves to be left behind, to suffer the consequences of someone else’s action. When I can be saved, then maybe it’s not as hard as we think it is. So the next time you see someone about to give up, don’t criticize them. Help them. Maybe a gesture as small as a smile can save a dying person.

Sometimes..

Sometime when I am sad, when I am upset. When I can’t fall asleep, no matter how long I have been lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, I imagine I am never going to wake up. I imagine this was the last day I had to suffer, this was the last day I had to go through. And I came out victorious. And I will not be remembered as a coward who took her own life. ‘It’ will happen on it’s own. ‘It’ will be the perfect solution for everything.

 I start imagining what will happen the next day, how will people react. What all things have I left unfinished. How will that affect others? How many will cry, but will in their hearts be happy. How many will actually be upset. I start with my family. When will those people who live in different cities come to know of my death? Will they come right away or will they wait and come when it suits them? Who will be the one to find me dead? How will that person react? I put all my family members in that place and imagine their reactions. Then I move on to my friends. How many of them will even care? I can count on one hand those who will show up at my house to get one last glimpse of me. Then I picture people taking me away. People talking, of how I died at such a young age.

Sometimes I am not able to make it to the end, sometimes I feel terrified. Scared that no one will care. And then I stop imagining. I stop thinking that I am going to die in my sleep. And that’s the best thing, you get to stop everything, you are the one in control. But there are nights when I make it to till the end. Nights when I don’t sleep at all. Nights when I lie on my bed, and stare into space. Imagining what I will be like to die peacefully in my sleep. When the end isn’t that bad at all. Maybe it’s the kind of end I don’t deserve; maybe I will die of some terrible disease. But at times it is good to know that there is a possibility.