Breaking Down

.And sometimes I want to cry, cry at the unfairness of it all. Cry at the fact that no matter how hard I try, nothing will go back to how it was. Sometimes all this becomes too much to bear. So much that I can almost feel the emotional hurt become physical pain. So much that I can feel it in my bones. And the worst part is, that it is no ones fault, at least a part of it. Death. Yes, you can’t look at someone and blame them for the death of someone you loved. It just happened. And now I am here. Crying. Had there been someone whom I could have blamed, maybe things had been different. I wouldn’t be here crying, holding on to whatever that is left. It’s like a ball of snow, rolling down a snow-covered mountain. It gets bigger and bigger and it gains momentum. And there’s no way you can stop it. If you get in it’s way, it will crush you like every other thing. The snow ball is growing. It is becoming bigger day by day. It is gaining speed. And there is absolutely nothing I can do but stand aside and watch, as it runs over my life. There are times when I look at them. People who were supposed to be there for me. People who were supposed to be the ones I turns to in times of need. Today I look at them and all I can see are strangers. Strangers disguised as people knew. Strangers who don’t care about anyone, but themselves. Stranger who want the best for themselves. Strangers who are so engrossed in the fight they started years ago, that they forgot that as they fight, I am standing next to them. Watching them as they use me as a weapon. I don’t know for how long I’ll be able to bear all this. Every word breaks me down a bit more. There are times I am not even near them, I am at a lunch or in my class and a wave of emotions run over me. Within second, it is all in front of me. The words, the actions. Everything. And tears well up. Sometimes I am able to hold back the tear. But sometimes I fail. And just like that it is gone too. After a minute or two, it’s gone. And then I can’t feel anything. Neither sadness nor joy. Nothing. And trust me, it feels so good. Not to feel anything. Just sit there. And watch. And ironically, in that moment I feel I this continues. If I don’t feel anything at all maybe I’ll survive.

I Have Learned

I have learned that life isn’t easy for any of us. Every single person I meet is struggling. I have learned that if I can’t help lessen someone’s pain, I will try my best not to let anyone increase it too. I have learned that once in a while, I will lose everything. Even the will to carry on living. And only if I don’t give up then, will I be able to honour the gift of life. I have learned that it’s okay to be angry, but it’s never okay to be cruel.  I have learned that, it’s okay to be sad. But it is never okay to let sadness take control of my life. I have learned that even if I am suffering at the moment, even if I don’t know why I have to go through all this, there will be a day when all this will end. After all nothing lasts forever, not even our lives.

I have learned that death is hard, for the one who left us, and even harder for those left behind. I have learned that losing someone is like losing a body part. Even after we are treated, there will be a wound. I have learned that in the end, every wound will heal but there will always be a scar to remind us of it all. I have learned that eventually I will be able to live with the scar. I have learned that there will be a time in everyone’s life, when they’ll lose everything. From friends to family. And it’s then that we’ll have to close our eyes and keep moving, because in the end those who love us will always come back, and those who don’t, will not. I have learned that after someone saves my life, I owe it to them. No matter what.

I have learned that every single person who makes me cry is going to pay for it, i don’t have to worry about it. I don’t have to punish them. I don’t have the right to do that. I have learned that no matter how sad I am, I should always keep it in mind that it is no ones duty to cheer me up or to take care of me. And those who cheer me up, do it out of their love for me not out of any obligation. I have learned that everything will be okay in the end.

I have learned that I have a long life ahead, and I have a lot more to learn.

The Candle Speaks

'Don't be sad when people remember you only when they need you, you are like a candle in their darkness'

But how true is this statement? How are we as humans supposed to totally ignore the fact that no matter how much love we give, at the end of the day we are going to be alone? How are we supposed to not cry till we have no tears left and howl till our throat hurts, when this seems to be the only way to survive?

We as humans are wired in a way that when we give love we expect it back. That's what makes us human, the want to be loved or rather the need to be loved. When we love someone, when we do something for them, the least we want is to be noticed. For that person to acknowledge the fact that yes we did something for them. Now don't get me wrong here, but in the end when it comes to love we are all selfish. When we give love we expect it back. As we need air and water to survive, we also need love. And we want, we need to be loved by every single person who matters in our life, friends family everyone. Even if one of them doesn't love you back you feel hurt, it pains you to think that you did so much for them but in the end you don't matter to them, not even a bit. So imagine how much it would hurt when it is not one person, instead it is almost every significant person in your life.

And trust me, when this happens you don't think of these quotes and you definitely don't think of candles and darkness. You are devastated. Because those whom you thought the world of, forgot you.