Sometime when I am sad, when I am upset. When I
can’t fall asleep, no matter how long I have been lying on the bed, staring at
the ceiling, I imagine I am never going to wake up. I imagine this was the last day
I had to suffer, this was the last day I had to go through. And I came out
victorious. And I will not be remembered as a coward who took her own life. ‘It’ will
happen on it’s own. ‘It’ will be the perfect solution for everything.
I start imagining
what will happen the next day, how will people react. What all things have I
left unfinished. How will that affect others? How many will cry, but will in their
hearts be happy. How many will actually be upset. I start with my family.
When will those people who live in different cities come to know of my death?
Will they come right away or will they wait and come when it suits them? Who
will be the one to find me dead? How will that person react? I put all my
family members in that place and imagine their reactions. Then I move on to my
friends. How many of them will even care? I can count on one hand those who
will show up at my house to get one last glimpse of me. Then I picture people
taking me away. People talking, of how I died at such a young age.
Sometimes I
am not able to make it to the end, sometimes I feel terrified. Scared that no
one will care. And then I stop imagining. I stop thinking that I am going to
die in my sleep. And that’s the best thing, you get to stop everything, you are
the one in control. But there are nights when I make it to till the end. Nights
when I don’t sleep at all. Nights when I lie on my bed, and stare into space.
Imagining what I will be like to die peacefully in my sleep. When the end isn’t
that bad at all. Maybe it’s the kind of end I don’t deserve; maybe I will die
of some terrible disease. But at times it is good to know that there is a
possibility.
Didn't I already tell you that ur write-ups are just so beautiful and thought-provoking? Well, add one more to that - *Perfect*.
ReplyDeleteFrom the way of framing the whole thing to expressing aptly what many may have experienced but failed to express even 1% - everything is just perfect to the 't'.
Coming to the topic here, my heart, for a microsecond, had stopped beating reading the first few lines..not because of the fear that these may be true today or soon, but because I got scared that this butterfly was once again drowning into the darkness that she had once been scared of flying past. But the next lines in the same para just reminded me once again that the one in present is not that fear-filled butterfly, but a daring, strong fish that can dive till the depths of the ocean and resurface by itself, without getting entangled in the weeds at the bottom.
The post, it reminded me of a few lines of a song. They were sung in a totally different context, but fit here aptly:-
"Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try...
Imagine all the people
Living for today...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one..."
You spend nights thinking and imaging these things, and now, every time I lie on my bed, my mind will wander to how and what would happen if I were "to die peacefully in my sleep", that very night. THAT is the power and impact ur writing carries. I'll just end by quoting your very lines:
"... I am not being a coward, by taking my own life. ‘It’ will happen on it’s own. But at times it is good to know that there is a possibility."
HATS OFF to ur writing, and to ur maturity :) :*
Oopsie! Kuchh zyada lamba ho gya..sowwie(sorry) for the essay :P :D
DeleteI think the most beautiful thing about your writing is that its easily relatable.
ReplyDeleteThis was amazing in a bitter sweet way.